A Joke -

"Travelling Light: A Barroom Tale of Physics and Punishment"

It was a slow Tuesday afternoon at the Institute for Advanced Studies, so a few of the physics department regulars decided to hit The Quark Bar for a quick bite.

Professor Davies was already at a corner table, chuckling to himself. "You hear about this?" he asked, holding up a dog-eared paperback. "I finally found that book on anti-gravity I've been searching for."

His colleague, Dr. Sharma, slid into the booth across from him. "Oh, the one by that new theorist? Is it any good?"

"It's un-put-down-able," Davies said with a straight face.

Before Sharma could groan, the door swung open and in walked a particle physicist they knew, looking particularly radiant. "Hey, Leon!" Sharma called out. "Grab a seat!"

Leon waved, a bright, beaming smile on his face. "Thanks, but I can't stay. Just passing through." He pointed to his single, small bag. "Gotta travel light, you know."

The barman, a weary fellow named Kevin who had long ago stopped trying to understand his clientele, shuffled over. "What can I get you, gents?"

"I'll have the fish and chips," Sharma said.

"One order of fission chips for the gentleman," Kevin repeated, jotting it down.

Sharma blinked. "No, I just said fish—" He paused, sighed, and waved a hand. "You know what? Forget it. Just bring it."

Davies, meanwhile, was staring intently at the saltshaker. "You know, I've been thinking about absolute zero. It's the ultimate limit."

"Cold subject," Sharma muttered, trying to get the terrible puns out of his system.

Just then, a man they didn't recognize shuffled in and took a seat at the counter. He was so still and expressionless, he seemed to radiate a kind of profound stillness. Davies nudged Sharma. "See that guy? Heard he's a bit of an odd duck. Apparently, he was recently cooled to absolute zero."

Sharma squinted at the man, who hadn't moved a muscle. "Really? He looks... fine?"

"He is," Davies said. "He's 0K now."

Sharma buried his face in his hands.

To change the subject, he pointed to the TV hanging in the corner, which was playing A New Hope on a low volume. "You know what I can't stand?" Sharma said. "When people get the physics in that movie all wrong. It's not 'May the Force be with you.' For a physicist, it should be, 'May the mass times acceleration be with you.'"

Davies nodded sagely. "Much more practical."

The door to the bar flew open with a bang, and in walked two of the institute's most famous—and most eccentric—professors: Werner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrödinger. They looked flustered.

"We were just pulled over!" Heisenberg announced to the whole bar, his hands trembling.

Kevin the barman leaned forward. "Did you know how fast you were going?"

"No!" Heisenberg exclaimed, his voice rising with panic. "But I could tell you exactly where we were!"

A police officer, who had followed them in, stepped forward, holding his ticket book. "I can tell you, sir. You were doing 200 kilometres an hour!"

Heisenberg threw his arms up in the air in exasperation. "Great! Now we're completely lost!"

The officer, trying to regain control of the situation, cleared his throat and looked at Schrödinger. "Sir, is this your vehicle? Do you have anything in the trunk? Alcohol, weapons, anything I should know about?"

Schrödinger thought for a moment. "Just a cat," he said calmly.

The officer's eyes narrowed. He walked outside, and a moment later, they heard the trunk pop open. A few seconds after that, the officer stormed back in, his face red. "Hey! You said there was a cat in there! That cat is dead!"

Schrödinger slammed his palm on the bar, making the saltshaker jump. "Well, he is now!"

The entire bar fell silent, save for the faint TV audio. Professor Davies slowly lowered his copy of the anti-gravity book, a look of profound respect on his face. He looked at Dr Sharma. "You, see?" he whispered. "It's not just the universe that's governed by quantum mechanics. It stops, too."